What Once Was Lost
by Pumpernickel
Summary: A lot can change in two years, and what seems like the end just might be the beginning. Notice 3/14/10 - This story is on a short hiatus thanks to Final Fantasy XIII. I'll come back to it soon!
1. Reminiscence

Author's Note: This is my first fic EVAR so please rip it to shreds. I love constructive criticism!  
Disclaimer: Bioware owns everything, including way too many hours of my life.

* * *

Waking up to find you've been dead for two years, are now working with an organization that's behind your worst nightmares, and immediately being sent on a mission that is generally considered suicide…well, it's kind of hard to make the situation any less unpleasant. But Shepard was a survivor, and more importantly, an unflinching optimist. She honestly believed things would work out, despite impossible odds.

And they were working out. Her team was coming together far better than she had expected. Joker was an utter surprise, the first good news she'd had since waking up. Well, other than the fact that she _did_ wake up, of course. Having her favorite pilot under her command again was a mixed blessing, though. It meant he'd willingly joined up with Cerberus – worse yet, he'd joined even before knowing they were bringing her back.

_Cerberus. _The name alone was enough to make her eyes narrow in anger. Her…"employers"…were the cause of so much pain in her life, so many atrocities. Akuze. Admiral Kohaku. Husks and rachni and _Toombs_. She hated the fact that she had to work with them, but Joker? Joker didn't care about any of that as long as they let him fly, and Shepard was worried for him. Worried that the man she'd grown to love like a little brother would end up in over his head with the wrong kind of people.

She wasn't alone in her worry. Dr. Chakwas, one of the best physicians this side of Citadel space, worried enough about Joker to join Cerberus herself to keep an eye on him. Consequently, she landed on the Normandy as well; a fact Shepard was ever grateful for. A lesser doctor would have quit the Alliance in frustration with the amount of work Shepard's crew thrust upon them, but Dr. Chakwas just smiled and shook her head like an indulgent parent as she patched up the seemingly never-ending injuries. "I know better than to tell you to be more careful," she'd explained.

As thrilled as Shepard was with having both her pilot and medic back at her side, she wished for more of her beloved crew. Someone to watch her back in the field – because, really, as nice as Jacob was, she held no delusion that he wouldn't turn on her in a heartbeat. She'd rattled off the names of each of them, and the Illusive Man had methodically shot down her hopes one by one. Alliance classified. Agent for the Shadow Broker. Dropped off the grid. She'd left sullen, disappointed that the "dream team" would not be there for her a second time.

But the best surprise was yet to come, in the form of a blue tattooed, sniper-wielding turian.

* * *

Garrus didn't believe what he was seeing. Surely it was a delusion, a hallucination brought on by 26 hours of continuous fighting. It was the lack of sleep, or the stress, or the ghosts of his past haunting him. It had to be, because there was no way that Commander Shepard just cleared that wall.

He pulled back, rubbing his eye with the back of his hand to clear his vision before looking through the scope again. He scanned the bridge quickly, ignoring the faces of several freelancers in his search for her. Nothing. He sighed, feeling the loss of his commander all over again.

It had been two years since the attack that killed her. Since that devastating moment when the last escape pod landed and only Joker stepped out. It had seemed so surreal at the time, almost as if he was watching it happen in a movie instead of right in front of him. Joker's head was hung low, trademark baseball cap held limply in one hand. Everyone held a collective breath, waiting for Shepard to follow. She never came.

"Where's Shepard?" Wrex asked, though his voice held little question. He knew. They all did.

Joker wouldn't look up. He just shook his head slowly, confirming their fears.

Kaidan lost it. He leaped at the pilot, grabbing him by his collar and lifting him several inches off the ground. "Where is she?" he demanded, "Where's Shepard!"

"Kaidan, stop it, you're hurting him!" Liara protested.

"WHERE IS SHE?" Kaidan screamed into Joker's face, shaking him violently.

"Stop!" Liara shrieked as she released a biotic push at Kaidan – not enough power to hurt him, but it sent him reeling backwards, dropping Joker in surprise.

The awful crunch of bones breaking. Joker's moan of agony. A moment of silence before Kaidan ruthlessly continued his onslaught.

"She went back for you! To save you!" he began, scrambling to his feet. Before he could fully recover, Wrex grabbed him, holding him back from the broken pilot. Kaidan struggled against the krogan, his hands glowing blue with the promise of further violence. _"Where the fuck is she?"_

"_She's dead!"_ Joker yelled out, voice cracking with pain. "She got spaced. So do whatever you want to me Alenko, because none of it is going to hurt as bad as knowing that the commander died because of _me_."

Kaidan stopped struggling. His body went limp and he fell to his knees, all the fight in him gone. Wrex let go of his arms and walked away – without Shepard, there was no more reason for him to stay.

There was no more reason for any of them to stay. After helping Liara and Tali get Joker to a medic, Garrus never saw any of them again. He didn't want to – they just reminded him of what he'd lost, and he thought about her enough without the outside influence. The leader who inspired him to do better. The soldier he respected above all others. The woman he loved.

Love. If you would have asked him two years ago, he'd tell you he loved his sisters, his rifle, and a hot shower after a long day…but a woman? Sure, he'd been with a few, but it was never like that. Just wasn't cut out for that sort of thing, he reasoned. He was married to his work, the idea of upholding justice, and a woman would just get in the way.

He never even entertained the idea of falling in love, which was why he had such a hard time recognizing it in the first place. There was no "a-ha!" moment, no sudden overwhelming affection or point where he looked upon her face and just knew. It happened gradually, a compilation of moments where she took just a little of his breath away, stole a little piece of his heart at a time.

The way her eyes lit up when she smiled, like emeralds dancing. How she never judged him for being a turian, and seemed genuinely interested in learning more about his culture. The girlish giggle she had when chatting with Gunnery Chief Williams, and the shade of pink she turned when caught making such a sound. How, despite being so small and seemingly fragile, she could take down a grown turian male in hand-to-hand combat and shoot a target with her eyes closed at 100 meters. How much she cared about everyone, even when they didn't deserve it. Her wit and intelligence and kindness and honor and utter selflessness…

And he never realized it. Only once she was gone, and he was left with an empty hole in his chest, did he realize she'd taken his heart with her.

Garrus laughed once without humor, pointing his rifle at a crate he'd seen a merc dive behind. It didn't matter anyway, right? Even if he had realized it, even if he had expressed interest in her, even if by some incredible twist of fate she'd chosen him over Alenko – she'd still be gone right now. The only woman Garrus Vakarian had ever loved would still be…

Right in his crosshairs.


	2. Unveiled

**Author's Note:** I wanted to say a big THANK YOU for all the awesome feedback I've gotten on this story so far! It's really amazing to be part of such a supportive community, and I'm excited to continue writing here. I have a plan for this story, so I'll be updating as frequently as possible.

About this chapter. I've taken some creative license with the specifics of this scene, namely the dialogue, and the fact that I made the bridge leading to Archangel about a half mile long. Seriously, it's way too short in the game to build up any kind of suspense. XD

I hope you guys enjoy reading this chapter as much as I did writing it.

* * *

Garrus didn't dare take his eye off of her, even though he knew the newest wave of freelancers was steadily advancing. He'd rather die than risk letting the beautiful hallucination fade away again – hell, he was dead anyway right? A small, sad smile tugged at his lips – she was just as he remembered. Creamy, pale skin that looked so soft and delicate he often wondered how evolution had left her with such inadequate protection. Dark hair, cropped to her chin, bounced around her face as she moved. Her expression was a familiar one – determined, alert, ready for battle. And those _eyes_…large and sparkling with adrenaline, they were mesmerizing.

He watched her move up along the bridge, reaching behind her back for her shotgun before ducking back behind cover. She peeked up, signaling to…someone, he didn't care enough to look, and before he had a chance to wonder why his delusion was acting so strangely, she dashed out from behind the pile of crates and fired.

Garrus blinked, eyes narrowing in confusion. He _heard_ that shot. Adjusting his scope quickly, he pulled back the sights to see more of the bridge. Shepard seemed to be leading two other humans, a male and a female, in an assault on the freelancers they'd arrived with. One by one the mercenaries fell, many of them without knowing who was attacking them. Garrus's eyes went wide with realization, a slow grin spreading across his face as he settled his crosshairs on a merc behind Shepard.

She was back.

* * *

A bullet whizzed past Shepard's head, prompting her to dive behind the nearest crate for cover. "Trying to _save_ your ass, Archangel," she grumbled, swapping her shotgun for an assault rifle. "He's getting too close with that goddamned sniper. We're going to have to make a run for it. On my mark," she said into the comm unit. She slowly leaned out the side of the crate, careful not to make any sudden movements that would draw his eye, and surveyed the field. Only two more mercs in front, easily mowed down by an automatic spray. Not much cover, so they were just going to have to be quicker on their feet than Archangel was on his trigger finger. She grimaced at the thought.

Suddenly her shields took a hit, and she immediately pulled back into cover. Mumbling curses, she checked the damage – 92% shields remaining. Weird, even a grazing bullet should have dropped them a little lower than that. She shook it off to good fortune and readied her stance. "Ready….Go Go GO!"

She burst out from behind the crates, tearing off down the bridge. Coming up on a merc, she raised her rifle and fired a quick spray in his direction, catching him twice in the back. As he dropped she turned her head to the right to see Miranda taking out the last remaining freelancer. No more obstacles, just ground to cover.

Another shot hit her shields. Fuck, he had her in his sights. Gritting her teeth against the burn in her legs, she pushed faster, eyes on the entrance to the building in front of her. So close…could she make it?

* * *

Garrus shot another concussive round at her. The bridge was finally clear of mercs, but a new wave would be jumping the wall any minute now. Shepard had to get up here before then, and there was no better incentive to move faster than hearing your shields drop.

It worked. She bolted along the bridge at breakneck speed. He'd always known she was fast, but he'd never had the chance to just sit back and watch her run. The unspoken rule was that if the Commander starts running from something, you'd damn well better run too. He was taken aback by how astonishingly quick she was, easily overtaking the other two humans even though they had a head start. He was a good sniper, one of the best, but watching her small frame dart along the bridge in an evasive, zig zag maneuver…he honestly didn't think he'd be able to hit her. Well, only one way to find out…

* * *

Another round just barely missed as she made it to the home stretch. She gave up the evasive techniques and just ran, feet pounding against the pavement in rapid succession. Ten meters. Five meters. Two. Oh shit…

Commander Alayna Shepard smashed into the wall of the compound at full speed, bursting her shields and knocking her violently on her ass. Dizzy and more than a little embarrassed, she accepted Jacob's outstretched hand and hoisted herself up, dusting off her armor before stomping indignantly into the building. Even over the ringing in her ears, she could hear the laughing. Jacob's highly amused chuckle, Miranda's quiet but audible tittering. And, though it may have been her imagination playing tricks on her, she could have sworn she heard a turian going into hysterics.

Shepard holstered her assault rifle and signaled the others to do the same. Running in there with weapons drawn wasn't exactly the way to earn Archangel's trust, and more than likely would get someone shot. Walking into an obviously competent vigilante's hideout unarmed was nerve wracking to say the least, and her hand kept wandering to the pistol at her side, fingers brushing along the cold steel for reassurance.

The place was deserted and eerily quiet without the blasts of gunfire that had dominated the air just moments ago. They moved through the large, open area in silence. Shepard idly wondered what this place had been used for before this – it looked like a cross between a warehouse, office, and apartment. A quick scan of the room found the stairs leading up to where Archangel was perched, and Shepard's heart thumped loudly in her chest as she made her way up to the second floor. Turning into the next room, she saw him.

Archangel didn't even turn around. He simply stared out the window, observing the bridge through a sniper scope. There was no way he didn't realize they were there – after all, if he was so oblivious he'd be dead by now. So why was he leaving himself so vulnerable? He probably realized they meant to help by the way they took out the mercs, but it was still very strange that he trusted these three strangers enough to keep his back to them. For all he knew, they could have killed the other mercs for a bigger cut of the bounty.

Shepard studied him for a moment longer, her confusion igniting her curiosity. She knew going in that he was turian, but seeing him confirmed the merc's intel. He was tall, really tall – even kneeling he was nearly as tall as her – and all hard turian angles covered with black and blue armor. She cocked her head slightly, her eyes narrowing in thought. Something about this scene looked really familiar, like déjà vu tugging at the back of her brain. Black and blue armor…

She shook her head, shaking the feeling off. Random memories and unexplained weirdness was probably a side effect of dying, or of Cerberus dicking around with her brain. Or from the cadavers they undoubtedly used to piece her back together. Ugh, creepy.

"Archangel," she said, mind back on the mission at hand. He didn't even spare her a glance, just held up one finger in the unequivocal sign for "hold on". He put his hand back on the rifle, made another minor adjustment to his aim, and then fired. Only once she heard the body drop did he finally turn to her, face masked by his helmet. She raised her hands slightly to show them empty, and he stood, tugging off his helmet.

* * *

"Garrus!" she exclaimed, recognition shining in her eyes as an excited grin spread across her face. He liked that she was happy to see him. He wanted to return the sentiment, to close the distance between them and pull her into his arms and just make sure she was _real. _He wanted to tell her how much he'd missed her, how everything had fallen apart without her, how seeing her alive had made his broken heart start to beat again…

But he couldn't. For one, they were in the middle of a fight for their lives, which tends to take precedence over rambling confessions of love and adoration. The audience didn't help either. Besides, how would she even take an outburst like that? Seeing how the strong, collected cop turned into an emotional wreck in only two years? Unacceptable.

And even if those reasons didn't exist – he just couldn't. He was happy, so incredibly happy to see her alive…but he hurt too. He'd spent two full years grieving her, refusing to think about her, trying to cut every trace of her out of his memories in futile attempts to numb the pain of losing her. Seeing her now, standing right in front of him with a smile on her face like nothing was wrong…it was just too much for him. The dam broke, all those repressed emotions flooding through, drowning him. He felt like he was going to burst into tears, or pass out, or hit something…anything for release.

Instead, Garrus sat down on top of a crate, avoiding her eyes. He couldn't look at her, not like this. "Shepard. I thought you were dead," he said quietly, hoping she didn't hear the quiver in his voice on that last word.

* * *

The excitement of seeing her old friend again slowly faded as she looked him over. Fatigue was written all over him, from the hunch of his shoulders to the slight drooping of his head. She wondered when the last time he'd eaten, or slept, or done anything besides fight for his life was. Guilt riddled her at the thought that she had left him like this while searching for Mordin. Fucking Illusive Man, telling her the doctor had priority. Mordin had mechs to protect him; Garrus was alone.

He was alone in more than body, she realized, looking into his face. He just looked so…so sad. Broken. Nothing like the proud, hot-headed, slightly cocky man she remembered – more like a ghost of him, or some other turian wearing a Garrus suit. He wouldn't meet her eyes, and she felt an overwhelming desire to wrap her arms around him and tell him it was okay.

The thought surprised her. She wasn't exactly a touchy feely kind of woman, and they weren't exactly close enough for all that. A friendly pat on the back, or a handshake, or even a squeeze on the shoulder…but a reassuring embrace? That was certainly crossing the line of their friendship, and she didn't want to be awkward. Or worse yet, insult his pride.

"Shepard. I thought you were dead," Garrus said, his voice low and gravelly.

Oh. Yeah. Right. It was hard getting used to the fact that two full years had passed when it only felt like a couple days. Especially when during those two years everyone had been under the impression that she'd suffered an untimely death.

"Err…well…I kind of was," she said, stumbling over the explanation. She was just getting used to the idea herself. "Cerberus found my body and has been resurrecting me all this time." _Resurrecting_. The word sounded weird, like they'd been performing ancient voodoo spells on her or something. It creeped her out. His expression changed, eyes narrowing and contorting in…suspicion? Disbelief? She didn't know, and she _really_ didn't want to have this conversation right now. "What about you? Are you okay?" she asked, oh-so-subtly switching the topic.

He noticed, she could tell, but thankfully he didn't press the issue. "I've been better, but it sure is good to see a friendly face." He looked up then, briefly meeting her eyes before flicking his gaze away once more. "Killing mercs is hard work…especially on my own."

There was that feeling again. He just looked so goddamn depressed, how could she not want to comfort him? They were friends, and he obviously needed someone. She took a step towards him, still unsure of what she was going to do but running with it anyway. He stopped her short.

"Well, you guys got here, but I don't think we'll be getting out as easily," he said, oh-so-subtly switching the topic. She couldn't help a tiny smile – they were so alike sometimes. "That bridge has saved my life, funneling all those witless idiots into scope. But it works both ways; they'll slaughter us if we try to get out that way. I suggest we hold this location, wait for a crack in their defenses, and then take our chances."

It was a good plan – well, as good as they were going to get. The enemies' numbers wouldn't count for shit in this small area, and Garrus was doing a hell of a job picking them off before they even got that far. "There's my genius tactician at work. You hold sniping position, I'll head down there and do what I do best," she said with a smirk, grabbing her shotgun for emphasis. His mandible twitched in an almost smile, and that was good enough for her.

"Just like old times, Shepard."


	3. Found

For the first time in a long time, Garrus felt like things were taking a turn for the better. They weren't perfect – his face was a mangled wreck and the galaxy was once again threatened with total annihilation – but better. He'd not only survived the assault that by all means should have killed him, but had taken out the leaders and top operatives of the three major gangs of Omega. He was back on the Normandy, and it felt like coming home after a long tour of duty. Sure, it was an entirely different ship with an entirely different crew – but the important parts were still there. The quiet hum of the drive core, the kind doctor who knew an impressive amount about treating a turian…hell, even Joker, though Garrus hadn't quite forgiven him yet. And, of course, there was Shepard.

They had been close on the original Normandy, but now they were nigh inseparable. He accompanied her on every mission, even the menial tasks she could do by herself. She asked for his tactical opinion, trusted him with blueprints and mission files that she didn't have time to review herself, encouraged him to take charge of situations that didn't require her personal involvement. He was her right hand, and he was overwhelmingly proud of it.

It went beyond work though. Their friendship had become much more pronounced over the weeks since their reunion. When he woke up in the med bay with half his face ripped off, the first thing he saw was her sitting beside him, green eyes large with worry. She'd been beside him ever since, always finding some reason to come down to the battery room to talk. They shared meals together regularly, watched vids in their precious downtime…she'd even taken him shopping once. They laughed often and talked about _everything…_

Well, almost everything. There were two topics that were off limits, that neither of them ever dared venture into. The first was the circumstances surrounding her death. She became violently angry with anyone who held Joker responsible for what happened, even Joker himself.

_Joker, I made the call to stay, not you, and if you do not immediately quit with the self-inflicted guilt trip, I'm going to make you wish the thought had never crossed your mind. Are we clear?_

Her voice was low, serious, and fairly terrifying. Joker never said another word about it, and the rest of the crew never brought it up again. Even Miranda was intimidated enough to cool it with the constant reminders that Cerberus brought her back from beyond the grave. Everyone just pretended that she had never died – it was easier that way.

The other forbidden topic was Kaidan Alenko. She never brought him up, and Garrus didn't either. It was a sore spot for both of them. He could tell she missed him though, by the way she kept his picture on her desk. He'd seen her searching the extranet for a sign of him, heard her asking Anderson to pull a favor and find out where he was. He'd seen the far away look in her eyes as they came upon his station amongst the wreckage of the Normandy. She still loved him, and though she tried to hide it, Garrus knew it hurt her.

It hurt him too. When she was dead – well, when he _thought_ she was dead – Garrus had frequently wished he hadn't been too stupid to realize how he felt about her. He told himself that if only he had another chance, could go back and do things differently, he would tell her how much he loved her. Even if she turned him down, even if she ended up picking Alenko in the end, at least he'd know that he tried. Maybe knowing that she wasn't interested would give him some closure. That it was her choice, not some ugly twist of fate, that kept them from being together would give him a chance to move on. And if she _didn't_ turn him down…

But he couldn't tell her. Things had changed, and now that he had his second chance he was hesitating. What good would it do to tell her now? She wouldn't even be able to consider being with Garrus when she still had such strong feelings for Alenko. It would only be another problem dumped on her lap, and she was already dealing with so much. She didn't deserve that. He refused to be the cause of more pain in her life.

That was the reason he liked to believe. It was certainly a valid one, and played a big part in his decision to remain silent…but there was another that he wasn't proud to admit, even to himself.

He was afraid.

It was easy to think that if she rejected him he could just move on with his life, and maybe that was even true at one point. But every day Garrus spent with her, every time she caught his eye on the battlefield and smiled, every time he saw her face light up with laughter because of _him…_they just made him love her more. He honestly felt like he was past the point of getting over her, that she'd always hold his heart. And though he didn't blame her for it, knew it wasn't in any way her fault…she'd already broken it once. He didn't think he was strong enough to go through that again.

So he didn't give her the chance. He resigned himself to just being good friends, best friends, but nothing more. He focused on how much he enjoyed the time they shared, and tried to ignore the little voice that wanted so badly just to hold her.

Some days it was harder than others.

* * *

They were at lunch when the call came. Shepard, Garrus, and Mordin were in the mess, enjoying a very…insightful meal.

"Salarians, humans, asari – levo-amino acid based. Turian and quarian – dextro-amino acid based. Cannot consume same food," Mordin explained. Shepard couldn't help but smile. He knew how to turn any conversation into a science lesson.

"Ah, thank you doctor. See Garrus, _that_ is why your food looks like slop," she said, reaching over to stab a piece of the foreign substance with her fork. As she raised it for closer inspection, she saw it was wiggling slightly, like some kind of thick brown jello mixed with kitty litter. The sight was vaguely nauseating.

Garrus snatched the fork from her, a look of mock indignation on his face. "Glad you think so. Now I don't have to share," he said, bringing the glob up to his mouth.

"Wait wait wait!" Mordin gushed, jumping up from his seat. "Fork coated with human saliva. Turian should not ingest human fluid. Anaphylactic shock possible."

Garrus glanced at Shepard, and then at the fork in his hand. "I think I'll take my chances," he said with a smirk as he popped the utensil in his mouth. Shepard and Mordin stared at him as he chewed, waiting for shock or a rash or _something_. Garrus looked at them both like they were crazy. "What? I'm fine."

Mordin looked annoyed at that, like part of him wanted Garrus to go into shock just to prove him right. His eyes narrowed, flicking between the two of them before continuing, "Shock 73% more likely to occur in human who ingests turian fluid. Try not to ingest, Commander," he snapped quickly, turning to leave.

Garrus started choking on the mouthful of…whatever he'd been chewing. Shepard bit her lip, trying not to burst out laughing. "I'll do my best, Mordin," she called just before he was out of sight. Poor Mordin, he probably didn't even realize the innuendo. She turned to Garrus, amusement written all over her face as she pushed a glass of water towards him. He looked so flustered, mandibles twitching in irritation. It was…cute.

"Commander?" a polite, robotic voice filled the mess. "The Illusive Man wishes to speak with you in the debriefing room. It is marked urgent."

"I'm on my way, EDI," she sighed. So much for a relaxing lunch. "Try not to die before I get back, okay?" she said, patting the still-coughing Garrus on the back. He nodded, and she headed up to take the call.

"Shepard. I think we have them. Horizon – one of our colonies in the Terminus Systems – just went silent. If it isn't under attack, it soon will be." Any trace of humor still lingering on her face disappeared at the Illusive Man's words. "Has Mordin delivered the counter-measure for the seeker swarms?"

"Not yet."

"Let's hope he works well under pressure. There's something else you should know." He paused, seeming to debate whether or not to tell her something. "One of your former crew, Kaidan Alenko, is stationed on Horizon."

Kaidan. Her mind raced – she finally finds him, and he's on a planet that's about to be wiped by Collectors. Of course.

"The Collectors just happened to pick a colony with one of my former crew? I don't buy it."

"It shouldn't be a surprise that the Collectors are interested in you, especially if they're working for the Reapers. They might be going after him to get to you."

That was all she needed to hear. "Send the coordinates. We'll head straight there."


	4. Goodbye

Author's Note: Whew, finally finished chapter four! As always, thanks for the reviews and support guys, it really kept me going through this chapter. Horizon was a challenge to write, because I really wanted to keep the dialogue from the game intact – however, part of me felt like it lost a lot of emotion when put to paper. Shepard's in-game responses felt kind of OOC for how I thought she should be feeling, and just very…impersonal, overall. So after several rewrites, I ended up going with my original decision to keep the dialogue, tried to further explain why she chose to say the things she said, and hopefully make it come off as genuine. Let me know what you think!

* * *

The Collectors were clever, Shepard could give them that. Targeting her loved ones to make her vulnerable. She knew it was a trap, that he was just bait to lure her into an ambush…and if she were smart, she wouldn't fall for it. But they chose their bait wisely – she could never leave Kaidan in danger.

Shepard pounded her fist on the control panel in frustration, sending a jumble of commands, and finally an error message, scrolling across the screen.

"Commander, please refrain from deliberate misuse of Cerberus property," the AI scolded, blue holo flickering in disapproval.

"Shut u—" she snapped, then seemed to think better of it and sighed, "Sorry EDI. Joker, what's our ETA?"

"Twenty minutes. You know, five minutes less than when you asked me five minutes ago." She smiled half-heartedly at his joke, and he shot her a sympathetic look. "Look, Commander, stop worrying so much. Alenko can take care of himself."

She nodded, too engrossed in her own thoughts to notice the slight hostility in his voice when he mentioned Kaidan. "You're right. I need to prepare for landing. Radio when we're five minutes out." She stood up, patting Joker on the shoulder absently as she walked out of the cockpit. He glanced at EDI, shaking his head. "You bet Commander."

Shepard made her way to the elevator, pushing the button for the captain's quarters a little too forcefully. She half-expected another chastising remark from EDI, but none came, leaving her to silence as the elevator slowly made its way up.

Of course Kaidan could take care of himself. He was an Alliance marine – a Commander now – and one of the most powerful biotics she'd ever met. That still didn't make her feel any better about the idea that he was in trouble, and worse yet, that it was her fault.

_They might be going after him to get to you._

He was at risk because she loved him. The idea had never really crossed her mind before – before the Normandy, she was never important enough to warrant such an attack. She accepted that her life was constantly on the line; it was part of being a soldier. She'd even come to terms with the fact that not everyone could be saved every time – losing Ashley really drove that point home. She knew she was a magnet for trouble, but for other people to be in danger just by being acquainted with her? It was like there was some big galactic bulls-eye aimed at her and anyone that got too close would be caught in the crossfire.

The doors opened and Shepard stepped out, punching in the code for her room. She headed towards the closet, but something caught her eye, prompting her to stop in front of the fish tank. Eight tropical fish, floating belly-up. She sighed, rubbing her eyes in sudden exhaustion. No one was safe around her, not even the fucking fish.

"EDI, send someone to clean this shit up."

* * *

  
Horizon had really gotten to her. Seeing the colonists trapped in stasis, vulnerable and helpless to defend themselves…it reminded her too much of Mindoir. This was why she had enlisted, wasn't it? To protect those who couldn't protect themselves? As she made her way through the empty buildings, seeing the evidence of the people who lived there – a still-warm cup of coffee, a half-finished crossword puzzle, a barren crib…she couldn't help but feel like she had failed. Sure, she had pushed the Collectors back before they could finish the job, but what was considered an acceptable loss? Half the colony? A third? A handful of people?

None of it was acceptable. If those bastards picked up a single person, she had failed. Failed them, failed her mission, failed the memory of those she couldn't protect on Mindoir…failed herself. And now, there was nothing more she could do except stand there and watch the Collector ship fly away, full of the people she had failed to save.

"No! Don't let them get away!" The mechanic from earlier – Delan, was it? – ran out, chasing the ship like somehow he was going to catch it. She knew that feeling.

"There's nothing we can do. They're gone," she said gently, feeling the weight of his heartbreak on her own chest. Who had he lost today? A wife, a child, his entire family?

"Half the colony's in there! They took Egan and Sam and…and Lilith! Do something!"

_Do something. _She had screamed those very words at the Alliance soldier who found her, huddled over the body of her little brother. They could bring him back, right? The Alliance could do anything…

"I didn't want it to end this way. I did what I could…" the words came out in a whisper.

"More than most, Shepard," Garrus said from behind her. She turned her head slightly towards him, a silent gesture of appreciation that she knew he'd pick up on. He knew what she was feeling – he always did, somehow – and he was trying to help ease the burden. So classically Garrus.

Delan turned then, recognition sparking in his eyes as he sized her up. "Shepard? Wait, I know that name. Sure, I remember you. You're some type of big Alliance hero."

She opened her mouth to speak when she caught movement in the corner of her eye. Shifting her gaze towards it, her heart stopped dead.

_Kaidan._

"Commander Shepard. Captain of the Normandy. The first human Spectre. Savior of the Citadel. You're in the presence of a legend, Delan. And a ghost."

She just stood there, open-mouthed, staring at him. She'd spent so long searching for any sign of him, the past couple hours worried out of her mind for him, and now here he was. Her knees went weak with the overwhelming relief that poured through her.

"All the good people we lost and you get left behind. Figures." Delan turned to walk away, "Screw this, I'm done with you Alliance types."

She didn't hear him leave. All thoughts of Delan, the Collectors, Mindoir…everything just disappeared. The world narrowed down to just him, just Kaidan, walking towards her. He stopped just inches away from her, so close she could feel his breath on her face. She yearned to close the distance, but she couldn't move, couldn't speak, couldn't do anything except stare into his eyes.

They were just as she remembered. Large and soft, filled with a thousand different emotions that seemed to swirl in their brown depths, like his heart was just below the surface. She was trapped in his gaze, only able to break free when he finally closed the careful distance and pulled her into his arms.

They stood like that for what felt like forever, clinging to each other desperately, as if to make sure the other person was really there. She buried her face in the side of his neck, planting little kisses on the soft skin there, getting lost in the scent of him. She felt the vibrations of his voice on her lips as he spoke, "I thought you were dead Shepard. We all did." His smooth, quiet voice had just the hint of pain in it, a barely imperceptible crack as he said the words. She squeezed him tighter, as if she could smother the hurt away.

Finally, he pulled back, and she reluctantly let go, keeping her eyes closed to try to push back some of the emotions that were threatening to burst out of her. It wouldn't do to collapse into a blubbering heap, gushing about how much she'd missed him and needed him. She pushed Alayna down and let Commander Shepard take over for a while; at least until she knew she could keep some sort of composure.

She opened her eyes and was immediately taken aback. Kaidan's eyes had hardened, become guarded, almost…angry? No, she had to be reading him wrong. He was probably just putting on his Commander face too, just like she was. They were soldiers after all – they had to act like it. Right?

Okay. She could do that. "It's been too long Kaidan. How've you been?"

"Is that all you have to say?" His eyes narrowed, "You show up after two years and just act like nothing happened?"

Her Commander face slipped, shock and confusion taking its place._ Wait…what's going on?_

"I thought we had something Shepard, something real. I _loved_ you."

_Loved…past tense…?_

"Thinking you were dead tore me apart. How could you put me through that?"

_I didn't want to…it's not my fault…_

"Why didn't you try to contact me? Why didn't you let me know you were alive?"

She stared wide-eyed as he spoke, his voice growing angrier with every word. She blinked, confusion turning to realization – she'd left him thinking she was dead, and he was using anger to cope with the pain. She could understand that….after all, wasn't it her anger towards the batarians that kept her sane after Mindoir? He didn't know what had happened, thought she had just abandoned him. She had to make this right.

"It wasn't my choice," she explained. She had to work to keep her voice even, to sound convincing without being defensive. "I spent the last two years in some kind of coma while Cerberus rebuilt me."

"You're with Cerberus now?" Kaidan took a step backwards, like she was infected with something he didn't want to catch. He glanced behind her, eyes flicking from Jack to Garrus like he'd just noticed she had a team with her. He shook his head, voice filled with disappointment, "Garrus too. I can't believe the reports were right."

She didn't know what to say to that, but thankfully Garrus interjected, "Reports? You mean you already knew?" He sounded angry too – not bursting with it like Kaidan, but she could hear it bubbling under the surface, like a pot of water just before it boiled. She closed her eyes, thankful for his impressive self-control. One grown male having a tantrum was enough to deal with.

As the thought crossed her mind, she found her own temper growing. Kaidan was throwing a tantrum, like a five year old boy sent to time out. He was hurting and he was angry, and she could understand that – but to throw it all on her, to blame her for dying, to drop off the grid and then berate _her_ for not trying to find him? That was unacceptable.

He looked at Garrus as he spoke, oblivious to the way Shepard's eyes were starting to mimic his own – narrowed and hard. "Alliance intel thought Cerberus might be behind the missing human colonies. They got a tip this colony might be the next one to get hit. Anderson stonewalled me, but there were rumors that you weren't dead," he turned to face her again, voice lowering, "That you were working for the enemy."

"Cerberus and I want the same thing – to save our colonies. That doesn't mean I answer to them," she snapped back, surprised at the tone of her voice. She didn't mean to be cold with Kaidan, wanted the exact opposite actually – to rewind this whole mess and go back to where she was in his arms – but she couldn't help it. She'd always been a hot head, and he was setting off every defense mechanism she had.

"Do you really believe that?" he replied, almost mockingly. "Or is that just what _Cerberus_ wants you to think?" She had a string of comebacks ready, but before she could get any of them out, he continued. "I wanted to believe the rumors that you were alive. But I never expected anything like this. You turned your back on everything we believed in."

_Don't do this Kaidan._

"You betrayed the Alliance."

_This is the line, Alenko, right here. Don't cross it._

"You betrayed _me_."

It felt like the world stood still as the words left his mouth. For a moment there was nothing but silence, nothing but the palpable tension in the air, the collective breath being held as what just happened slowly sunk in. Then everything went to hell, beginning with a low, turian growl from behind her.

She couldn't believe he said that. After everything they'd been through, everything she'd sacrificed for him – she'd sent Ash, the closest thing she had to family, to her fucking _death_ because she couldn't bear to lose him. And he was going to throw that all in her face? He just latched on to that word – _Cerberus_ – and completely ignored everything else she said to him. Never mind that she was trying to save the colonies, never mind the coma…all he cared about was her affiliation with Cerberus, like she had a fucking choice in the matter. _Someone_ had to save the galaxy while the politicians had their thumbs up their asses, _again. _

How dare he say she had betrayed him, when he wouldn't even give her a chance to explain herself? How could he just throw everything they had away so quickly? Where was the Kaidan Alenko she fell in love with?

Hell, even Jack scoffed at his words, sensing the injustice in them without even knowing, or caring about, the full story. Garrus sounded like he was going to throttle Kaidan, the enraged sound he was making far more violent than anything she'd ever heard come from him before. She took strength from it, their reactions erasing any doubt that she'd had. She didn't betray Kaidan.

If anyone was a traitor, it was him.

"This isn't about me working for _Cerberus_, Kaidan. Something far more _important_ is at stake," she said, her voice hard and cold. She'd make him see how petty he was being, putting his stupid prejudices before the safety of the galaxy. Putting them before _her._

She saw him falter at that, just a slight twitch of his mouth that showed he got the message. He knew that she was doing this for the right reasons, that none of this was her fault. He knew he was being an asshole.

Which was what made his next words unforgiveable.

"I wanna believe you Shepard, but I don't trust Cerberus. They could be using the threat of a reaper to manipulate you. What if they're behind it? What if they're working with the Collectors?"

Her hands balled into fists, jaw clenching in frustration. Did he even realize what he was doing? That he was just making up excuses because he was too stubborn to admit he was wrong? She wanted to hit him, to explode in his face and tell him just how much of a stubborn, childish, selfish brat he was being.

Garrus got there first. "Dammit Kaidan, you're so focused on Cerberus that you're ignoring the real threat."

Kaidan began faintly glowing blue, a warning to Garrus to stay out of it. The murderous growling started again, low but audible – like some kind of primal "bring it on". They stared each other down, like gunslingers, each waiting for the other to make a move. Shepard took a deep breath, trying to calm down. If she didn't take control immediately, things were going to get messy.

"Kaidan," she began, her voice soft and persuasive, "You're letting how you feel about their history get in the way of the facts."

It worked, somewhat. Her change of tone startled him enough to draw his attention away from Garrus, and the biotic glow faded away as he focused on Shepard once more.

It still wasn't enough to keep the venom from his voice. "Maybe. Or maybe you feel like you owe Cerberus because they saved you. Maybe _you're_ the one who's not thinking straight."

He was so suspicious, so accusatory…it hurt her. There was a time when he'd follow her into hell, with nothing but blind trust in her judgment to keep him going. When he'd opened up to her, let her see what made him the man he was. When he'd trusted her with not only his life, but his heart. It hurt to know that those days were over – that she'd really lost him.

The pain must have been evident on her face because his voice lost the spiteful edge. "You've changed, but I still know where my loyalties lie. I'm an Alliance soldier, always will be. I've gotta report back to the Citadel…they can decide if they believe your story or not."

That was it. He'd given up on her, given up on them. As he turned his back to leave, the sudden realization that this was really the end hit her with full force. She felt like she would collapse under the weight of it, burst into tears, beg him not to go.

But instead she just lifted one hand absently, an act as hopeless as Delan's running after the Collector ship. She couldn't bring Kaidan back any more than that old man could bring back the colonists. "I could use someone like you on my crew, Kaidan. It'll be just like old times."

She'd slipped into Commander Shepard in an attempt to mask the pain, but she knew he caught the infliction underneath the seemingly harmless words.

_Don't leave me. We can fix this. I need you. Please…_

He saw Alayna underneath the somber mask of Commander Shepard, screaming and crying and trying to claw her way out. He knew what this meant, for both of them…and he did it anyway.

"No, it won't. I'll never work for Cerberus." He paused, eyes growing soft for just a split second, just long enough for her to catch the glimmer that this was hurting him too. "Goodbye Shepard. And…be careful."

And then he was gone. Just like that. No long, drawn out departure like you see in the vids…just, goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye…

She was breaking down. She felt the shock coming on, felt her mind shutting down to protect itself. She had to get out of here before she completely lost it.

"Joker, send the shuttle to pick us up. I've had enough of this colony."


	5. Betrayed

Author's Note: Okay, two things. First, I wasn't even going to upload this chapter because it's mostly a repeat of the Horizon scene, except through Garrus's eyes. I didn't want to have any major POV overlap in this story, but I ended up writing this out of boredom on my lunch break and decided to upload it anyway. If it's overkill or annoying, let me know and I can very easily crop it out – the next "real" chapter will be coming soon. The second thing is, in this storyline you recruit Tali before Horizon. In fact, let's just say you recruit everyone before Horizon, just in case I decide to bust them out without it making any sort of linear sense. This is my fic, canon be damned! XD

* * *

"Garrus, this is getting ridiculous. You _have_ to go talk to her," Tali said, irritation pouring off of her in waves. He didn't need to see her face to know she was getting frustrated. He didn't blame her, really – she had been trying to get him to do this for days now.

"Tali, I've told you before. She doesn't want to be bothered, so I'm not going to bother her. It's that simple," he said, looking down at the small quarian in his path. She was standing in front of the entrance to the battery room, arms crossed, trying to block the doorway. If Garrus had been in a better mood, he would have found it amusing – this little quarian girl thinking that she could bodily keep him out. His eleven year old sister was taller than her, and unless she had a density rivaling that of an elcor, he was sure he could simply lift her like a child and place her somewhere else. Of course, he had too much respect for Tali to do that, so he just stood there and waited for her to move.

"She needs help, Garrus. She won't let anyone else in – we've all tried. Even _Grunt_ has tried." She sighed, voice growing soft, like she regretted what she was going to say but had to say it anyway. "Everyone but you. I know you care about her…why won't you help her?"

She struck a nerve and she knew it. He wanted to help, he did…but he didn't know how. He was so afraid of saying the wrong thing, of making matters worse. His mind flicked back to the last time he'd seen her…Horizon.

* * *

Garrus looked at the ground, his rifle, the corpses of dead Collectors…anywhere to keep his eyes from the happy reunion taking place in front of him. Alenko, knight in shining armor he was, had conveniently showed up _after_ the Collector general was dead and scooped Shepard up into his arms like some kind of backwards fairy tale. Pretty sure that one won't be showing up in any children's books – the beautiful princess slays the dragon herself while the knight is nowhere to be found.

He shook his head, taking a deep, cleansing breath. Being bitter towards Kaidan wouldn't help …if anything, he should be glad, right? Shepard was happy, and that's what was important. And he even liked Kaidan, sort of. Respected him at least. Still, Garrus couldn't help the surge of jealousy that shot through his chest at the easy way Alenko pulled her close, how their bodies naturally fit together.

So he didn't watch. His gaze flicked around, never resting on anything for more than a moment, until it landed on Jack. She was staring at him, and when she caught his eye, she raised one eyebrow in question. Oh, right, she didn't know what was going on. He leaned towards her, bending his head down to her ear. "That's Alenko, Shepard's…boyfriend," he whispered, low enough that they wouldn't hear.

Jack's eyes narrowed, and she shook her head. Garrus was confused – boyfriend, that was the human word he wanted, right? Was his translator malfunctioning? She must have seen the misunderstanding on his face because she rolled her eyes and whispered back, "No shit, turian. I was asking about _you_."

Him? What about him? He leaned back down to ask, but was stopped dead when he heard Kaidan's voice raise in anger.

"Is that all you have to say? You show up after two years and just act like nothing happened?"

Garrus's head snapped forward, attention focused on the human male in front of him. His face was hard, eyes narrowed and cold as they bore into Shepard. He couldn't see her face, but her head was cocked slightly to the right, a subtle sign of confusion he'd picked up on over time. What had happened? They were hugging just a minute ago…

"I thought we had something Shepard, something real. I _loved_ you. Thinking you were dead tore me apart. How could you put me through that? Why didn't you try to contact me? Why didn't you let me know you were alive?"

Garrus finally understood what was going on, and found himself in a difficult position. He was immediately furious with Kaidan for the way he was acting, tearing into Shepard like that without any warning. But part of him couldn't help but empathize with the way he was feeling – after all, he'd lost Shepard too. Garrus hadn't been angry with her when he found out she was alive, but he could easily see why Kaidan was. Losing her was hard for both of them, and as much as he disapproved of the way Kaidan was going about expressing himself, in that moment Garrus felt more solidarity with the man than he ever had before.

"It wasn't my choice. I spent the last two years in some kind of coma while Cerberus rebuilt me." Her voice was so soft, pleading for him to understand. Surely he would – after all, she couldn't very well contact him while in a coma, could she? It wasn't her fault. Garrus had understood that. Tali, Joker, and Dr. Chakwas too – nobody blamed her.

Except Kaidan.

"You're with Cerberus now?" he said, a look of revulsion on his face as he stepped away from her. Garrus instinctively took a step closer, to back her up, and the movement caught Kaidan's eye. "Garrus too. I can't believe the reports were right."

Wait a minute. He _knew_ she was alive? He had information on her and he didn't investigate it, didn't care enough to even try?

"Reports? You mean you already knew?" The words fell from Garrus's mouth before he could stop them. He was just stunned – how could Alenko have known and not done anything? He should have been ripping the galaxy apart looking for her. Hell, Garrus would have left Omega in an instant if he'd even heard _rumor_ of her. But having Alliance reports and disregarding them? Unforgiveable.

"Alliance intel thought Cerberus might be behind the missing human colonies. They got a tip this colony might be the next one to get hit. Anderson stonewalled me, but there were rumors that you weren't dead," Kaidan looked at Garrus as he answered, and Garrus suddenly regretted having spoken. It seemed so rude, talking over Shepard's head like she was some kid sitting at the grown up table. She deserved better than that.

Kaidan turned back to her as he continued, "That you were working for the enemy."

"Cerberus and I want the same thing – to save our colonies. That doesn't mean I answer to them," she said, words quick and harsh like the crack of a whip. Part of Garrus was glad that she was finally angry. She_ should_ be angry – only a weak-willed woman would let a man talk to her like that without defending herself, and Shepard was anything but weak.

"Do you really believe that? Or is that just what _Cerberus_ wants you to think?"

Garrus's fists clenched, and he had to focus on not taking another step forward, not butting in where he wasn't involved. Shepard could take care of herself; he had to let her handle this. It was hard – how could Alenko talk to her like that? He'd heard that tone before, at C-Sec…it was a tone officers frequently adopted when baiting petty criminals, trying to get an emotional response. Smug, confident, superior. Where did he get off taunting Shepard, the savior of the galaxy and most respectable person he knew, like she was some scumbag arms dealer?

"I wanted to believe the rumors that you were alive," he continued, "but I never expected anything like this. You turned your back on everything we believed in."

Garrus's eyes narrowed. Alenko was not seriously going to do this. He couldn't. Not now, not to _her._

"You betrayed the Alliance. You betrayed _me_."

Garrus watched Shepard, concentrating on the way her hair looked in the sunlight. He had to focus his mind somewhere else, think about something else, before he ripped out Alenko's throat with his bare hands. The rage was so potent, so overpowering, he thought he would choke on it. So he forced himself to stare at her hair, so different from a turian fringe. It looked so soft, dark brown strands of silk fluttering gently in the breeze. There was a hint of red amongst the brown when the natural light hit it the right way…it was beautiful.

And then she began to tremble, and he couldn't hold the enraged growl back anymore.

Garrus was not a violent man. He had killed of course, for justice, for survival…but never for the sake of killing. In that moment though, he wanted to murder Kaidan Alenko. He wanted to kill him just to watch him die. He deserved to die for saying that to her, for hurting her like that. After everything she had done for him, for all of them – she was the most brave, selfless, _good_ person there was, and he had the nerve to call her a traitor?

A traitor for what? For dying to save them? For swallowing her personal feelings and working with a group she hated in order to save them again? Everything she did was for the greater good, for them, for_ him_…and he was going to say she _betrayed him?_

That woman could murder every man, woman, and child in the galaxy and she would still not be a traitor. After all, without her they'd already be dead.

"This isn't about me working for _Cerberus_, Kaidan. Something far more _important_ is at stake," she fired back, her words sharp and cold. Like the missing colonists, or the reaper threat, or her feelings that he'd trampled on. Garrus wasn't sure which she was referring to, but he strongly suspected all three.

Kaidan flinched – she'd hit a nerve, hurt him back. Good.

"I wanna believe you Shepard, but I don't trust Cerberus. They could be using the threat of a Reaper to manipulate you. What if they're behind it? What if they're working with the Collectors?"

What was wrong with him? Why was he so focused on Cerberus? Sure, Garrus had been concerned at first, but he trusted Shepard, believed in her when she said she knew what she was doing. She'd earned that trust several times over. Why didn't Kaidan have faith in her too?

"Dammit Kaidan, you're so focused on Cerberus that you're ignoring the real threat," he blurted out, unable to hold back the sudden desire to pound the truth into Kaidan's thick, stubborn head. He just couldn't understand what was so difficult about the situation – Shepard needs funding to stop the Collectors, the Council and Alliance abandoned her, so she took help where she could get it. Isn't the salvation of all sentient life in the galaxy a little higher up the priority list than allegiance to a government that has consistently written you off as delusional?

Alenko's head snapped up at the comment and he glared at Garrus, a biotic glow rising to his skin. The threat flared Garrus's rage up again, a low growl rumbling from his chest. He could barely contain the violence his muscles ached for, but he would wait for Alenko to make the first move. He wasn't going to start a fight with someone Shepard cared for – even if they called him out.

They both stood motionless, glaring at each other, waiting. Garrus couldn't help but feel vaguely smug as time passed and Kaidan had not made good on his silent threat.

_Scared, Alenko?_

He was just about to say something to that effect when Shepard spoke, all trace of anger gone from her voice. "Kaidan, you're letting how you feel about their history get in the way of the facts."

How could she speak so gently to him, even now? He was taken aback by how soft her voice was, and from the looks of it Kaidan was too – he lost the glow and shifted his focus back to her. Garrus couldn't help but be slightly disappointed…he _wanted_ to hurt Kaidan for the things he said to her. He wanted to defend her honor. It was silly, she was more than capable of defending her own honor…but some primal instinct demanded that he protect her even if she didn't need protection.

Kaidan's glare went from angry to suspicious, defensive, mistrusting. "Maybe. Or maybe you feel like you owe Cerberus because they saved you. Maybe _you're_ the one who's not thinking straight," he spat.

He sounded just like the Council. All the facts in front of him, all she's done for him, and he still refused to believe her. It sickened Garrus. How could they all be such fools?

Shepard flinched at the harshness of his voice, and Kaidan must have noticed because he lost some of the attitude as he continued, "You've changed, but I still know where my loyalties lie. I'm an Alliance soldier, always will be. I've gotta report back to the Citadel…they can decide if they believe your story or not."

They wouldn't. They didn't listen about Saren, they didn't listen about the Reapers, why would they listen now? They didn't want to see the truth, like a child hiding under a blanket. Like the monsters couldn't hurt them if they refused to open their eyes. It was pathetic.

She seemed to grow smaller, shoulders slightly hunching in defeat. In that moment, all his anger disappeared. He didn't care about Kaidan, or his petty fury…none of that was important if she was in pain. He wanted to go to her, to do something to make this right…but what could he do?

"I could use someone like you on my crew, Kaidan. It'll be just like old times."

The words were carefully nonchalant, but there was wistfulness at the end that gave her away. This was a final plea for him to stay, for them to be together. That even after all this, she'd take him back, try to work things out if only he'd give her a chance.

He didn't. "No, it won't. I'll never work for Cerberus. Goodbye Shepard, and be careful."

Garrus had often thought about what things would be like if Kaidan wasn't in the picture, even wished that they would part ways so that he might have a chance. But when Shepard turned around and he looked into her flat, dead eyes…

* * *

"Be careful what you wish for," he muttered under his breath.

"What?" Tali said, jolting him out of his reverie.

"Err…nothing. Look, I do want to help. I'm just trying to respect her wishes." It was only a partial truth. He would have gone to her days ago if he only knew what to say, what to do to make things better. What if he tried to comfort her and only caused her more pain? He was still haunted by the way she'd looked after Kaidan left. The spark was gone from her eyes; the mischievous glint had glazed over. She looked older, tired, lost…feet dragging and shoulders hunched like the weight of her burden was just too much for her. It ripped him apart inside…he didn't know if he could stand seeing her like that again.

Tali huffed in frustration. "Garrus, it's been _four days. _She hasn't come out of her room in four days. Not to eat, not to work, not to make sure Jack hasn't gone psychotic and murdered us all in our sleep." She sighed. "EDI – please run a medical diagnostic on Commander Shepard."

"Scanning. Stand by," the smooth voice said, her blue holo blinking into existence on a nearby console. "Scan complete. My diagnostic indicates that Commander Shepard is currently experiencing severe dehydration, moderate to severe malnutrition, slowed heart rate, decreased body temperature, and irregular breathing patterns. Sleep logs indicate that she has been in her bed for eighty-two of the last ninety hours; however, during that period she has only been in a sleep state for a total of two hours and seventeen minutes. Medical attention is highly recommended."

Garrus felt sick to his stomach. He had no idea she was this bad – he thought she just needed some time alone to work things out. But this…she was killing herself in there, while he stood around making excuses not to see her. Some friend he was.

Tali opened her mouth to say something else, but Garrus was already halfway to the elevators.


	6. Saved

Garrus stood outside the door to Shepard's room, waiting. He had knocked softly, then loudly, then banged on the door with his fist, and still it didn't open. "Shepard?" he called, worry evident in his voice. He pressed his ear against the cold steel, listening for any sign of her. Silence.

His mind was starting to become frantic, imagining all the worst scenarios that would cause her to not answer the door. What if she was hurt, or unconscious, or doing something stupid and dangerous? EDI's medical report came back to him, and finally he decided to just hack the door. She could be angry with him later for it, but he had to know she was okay.

He brought up his omni-tool, and seconds later the door was opening with a soft swoosh. He poked his head in first, but he couldn't see anything. All the lights were off, the only light source coming in from the hallway. "Shepard?" he called into the darkness ahead, taking a tentative step forward. The door swished closed automatically behind him, and he jumped, startled at being suddenly enveloped in total blackness. "EDI, turn on the lights – 20% power," he mumbled, feeling around with his foot to take another step.

The lights blinked on, and he quickly scanned the dim room, searching for her. The place looked deserted, eerily tidy…like no one lived here. Not even a stray sock on the floor, and it worried him. Shepard was notoriously messy, to the point where they had to dump piles of stuff off the side of her bed just to sit on it and watch vids. He had teased her about it and she'd laughed, saying she preferred the mess, that it felt homey. He'd found it strange at first, to take comfort in chaos, but as time went on he began to understand what she meant. The precarious stacks of paperwork and mountains of clean laundry was such a sharp contrast to the rigid organization and sterility of the rest of the ship. It was kind of...cozy.

There was only one thing out of place – the picture of Kaidan that she kept on her desk was turned face down. Slammed, he judged by the shards of glass littering the desk. He moved further into the room, towards he bed and the giant ball of blankets he assumed she was nestled in. Maybe she was sleeping and that's why she didn't answer the door. He felt kind of guilty, sneaking around her room while she was asleep, but he pressed on anyway.

He reached the bed and hesitantly placed his hand where he assumed her shoulder would be under all those covers, shaking gently. She didn't even stir. "Shepard?" he said quietly, shaking harder. He pulled back the blanket, hoping he wasn't being too forward, but worried enough to do it anyway. Another blanket. And another. Four blankets, eight pillows, a sheet that had to be twice as large as the bed, and a half dozen pairs of tangled pajama pants later, he realized she wasn't even there. Slightly embarrassed and feeling like an idiot, he spun around, surveying the room once more. Where the hell was she if not in bed?

Oh. His eyes rested on the small door leading to the bathroom, closed tightly. He was suddenly full of anxiety of a different kind – what if she had been in the shower and couldn't hear, then walked out here to find him prowling around her room? Should he knock? What if she was…indecent? He silently cursed Tali and her awful timing as he paced back and forth, trying to decide what to do.

_Already came this far…_

He sighed, lifting one hand to knock lightly on the door. "Shepard?"

He heard a small, muffled noise from inside, indecipherable through the steel barrier. He tried again, "It's Garrus…can I come in?"

Another indistinguishable sound. Was that a yes or a no? Dammit, who made all the doors on this ship sound-resistant metal?

"EDI, did she say I could come in or not?" he grumbled. He hated asking the AI questions like that. It just reminded him that they were always being watched, that there was no real privacy, and it bugged him.

"Commander Shepard's last response was 'mmm'," the omnipresent voice answered. Well, that didn't help him at all did it? She seemed to get that, because her voice held a hint of amusement as she continued, "but I suspect that your concern is for her modesty, in which case I can confirm that the Commander is adequately clothed." He mumbled his thanks as he opened the bathroom door. She was such a bitch sometimes – helpful, but a bitch nonetheless.

He heard the shower running as soon as the door swished open, and he hesitated in the doorway. If EDI was lying about Shepard being dressed, he was going to take a shotgun to her processors. "Shepard?" he called again, rounding the corner hesitantly.

His eyes went wide when he saw her, sitting on the shower floor. He stood there for a moment in shock, blinking as his brain worked to make sense of what he was seeing. The shivering, soaking, curled up woman on the ground could not possibly be the Commander. She looked too small, too fragile, too…_broken. _The thin clothes she wore were soaked through, clinging awkwardly to skin that was too pale as the water beat down on it. Her head was resting on her knees, a dripping sheet of dark hair blocking her face. Her whole body trembled, hands white where they gripped her legs to her chest. And that choked, rasping noise…was that her _breathing? _She tilted her head slightly, strings of hair falling away from her face as she rolled her eyes up to look at him.

It was a familiar look, one that he'd seen several times before, and it broke his heart every time. It was the look she had when Toombs killed himself, and when Ashley died – full of hopelessness and self-loathing. She blamed herself for their deaths, he knew that, but she could always turn that into strength. After Virmire, she'd told him "I was too weak to save her – but I'll be strong enough to avenge her." Her anger at Saren, Cerberus, and the batarians got her through the pain in the past, turned that hopelessness into resolve…but this time she didn't have anyone else to be angry with. Kaidan had left her, and in her mind she had no one to blame but herself.

He remembered how to move, and closed the distance between them in two long strides. He shut off the shower and knelt down beside her, instinctively reaching out to smooth her hair out of her eyes. Only when his talon made contact with the soft skin of her face did he realize what he was doing, and he paused, terrified he'd overstepped his bounds. She was just staring at him, a flurry of emotion he couldn't read passing through her eyes. Shit, he'd already screwed up. "Shepard, I…" he began to apologize, pulling his hand back, but before he could continue she threw her arms around his neck and started to cry.

Turians hated the cold – it was genetic, and Garrus was no exception. The shower floor was freezing, and Shepard was even colder, her wet skin like ice melting through his clothes. But when she climbed into his lap, burying her face into his chest, he couldn't seem to care about how cold he was. He didn't know how long they sat like that, his arms around her, cheek nestled against her hair. He held her until she stopped shivering, and then until she stopped crying, and then until her breathing had steadied from shallow gasps to slow, even draws. He had been sure she was asleep when she finally spoke.

"Thank you."

* * *

Shepard didn't think there was anyone in the galaxy that she would feel comfortable crying in front of. She had locked everyone out for so long, afraid to show weakness for fear of being exploited for it. Kaidan was the first person she'd opened up to since she was a kid, and she still had never cried in front of him – not even when Ashley died. Yet here she was, sitting on Garrus's lap and bawling her eyes out like a child, and she wasn't ashamed. He didn't patronize her, or try to make her feel better, or ask her to talk about what she was going through …he just held her and let her do what she needed to do. He was there for her without expecting anything in return, not even an explanation, and he'd never know how grateful she was for that.

She'd been numb since Horizon, completely and carefully devoid of any emotion since leaving that god-forsaken planet. Shock at first, that blessed period where your brain won't let you feel your heart shattering. When that had started to wear off, she forced herself back into numbness, building a mental wall to protect herself from feeling the pain. The side effects were that she didn't feel anything at all – hunger, exhaustion, self-awareness all escaped her. She just kind of floated along, unaware of anything, until she looked up into Garrus's eyes. The concern and warmth she found there broke down her careful wall, and before she knew it, everything came crashing down around her.

It had been hard. Really hard – she hadn't lost it like that since her family died. Everything that she had kept bottled up over the years – Akuze, Toombs, Ashley, Kate Bowman and the hostages on X57, Jenkins, the countless unnamed victims she'd failed to save – all that guilt came down on her like a torrent, drowning her. And only when her spirit was fully broken and the sobs had racked her body until every breath felt like a stab wound to the chest, did she let herself think about Kaidan.

She didn't feel guilt for what happened with Kaidan. It was one of the only things in her life she didn't feel guilty about. She was fully devoted to her mission, to saving those colonists and stopping the Collectors and the Reapers, and if that meant working with Cerberus that was what she was going to do. Period. If he couldn't accept that, then so be it – they had different priorities and she could handle that. But to completely give up on her, to say she'd betrayed him…

She loved Kaidan. He was the first man she'd ever loved, and he left her so easily, over so very little. It made her wonder if he'd ever really loved her at all. She'd been gone longer than they'd been together, and that had to have been hard for him…but if he truly loved her, could he have really gotten over her in two years? She couldn't imagine it…unless she just wasn't worth waiting for.

There it was, the underlying issue. Losing Kaidan was hard – loss is always hard. But she had a lot of experience with loss, and she knew how to live with the holes it created in her heart. This loss was different because there was no bad guy – no one took him from her. He left her. He left her because she wasn't good enough to make him stay, and that fact tore her apart inside.

It took a long time to work through it all, to drag herself out of the blackness and learn how to breathe again. And through it all Garrus was there to hold her together, to keep her from getting lost in the despair that clawed at her. He held her until he was as cold and wet as she was, and he never gave up on her. She didn't deserve a friend as good as him.

"Thank you," she whispered.

He didn't say anything, just squeezed her a little bit tighter. She sighed, contented, finally free of the demons that had plagued her for so long. They'd be back, no doubt, but for this moment she was safe. He would keep her safe. Nuzzling her head against his chest like a makeshift pillow, she closed her eyes sleepily. She felt the vibrations against her cheek before she heard it – a low sound coming from deep within his chest. And for the first time in days, Shepard smiled, and let Garrus's soft purr lull her to sleep.

* * *

"Officer Vakarian?" EDI said shortly after Shepard had fallen asleep, voice unusually quiet. Was she really trying not to wake her? Huh. Alright, minus five bitch points.

"Yes EDI?"

"I have taken it upon myself to perform another medical diagnostic of Commander Shepard, as it has now been three hours since the last scan and she has not received any medical attention."

"She's asleep."

"I'm aware of that; however, there are more pressing concerns than her lack of sleep. Her hydration levels are dangerously low, and her body temperature is still decreased. A glass of water and dry clothes should be sufficient until she can be seen by a medical professional."

Garrus sighed. He didn't want to wake her when she had finally been able to get some rest. And, selfish as it was, now that he was finally holding her he didn't want to let her go. He'd thought about what it would be like so many times…granted, none of his imaginings had them on a bathroom floor, soaking wet and freezing cold, but it was still wildly satisfying. Nothing short of a Reaper knocking on the door could get him to willingly release this soft, delicate creature sleeping in his lap.

Nothing except her own well-being. He looked down at her face, pressed lightly against his chest, and smiled. She looked so peaceful, showed no signs of the anguish that had racked her for hours. He ever-so-gently ran his finger down the length of her cheek, marveling at the way her skin felt against his. He closed his eyes for a moment, trying to memorize the way she felt in his arms, postponing the inevitable point where he'd have to wake her up.

After all, what if this was the last time he would ever get to hold her like this? She had needed someone there, a shoulder to lean on, and he had a feeling anyone would have sufficed. If Jacob or Thane would have come tonight instead of him, would she be curled up asleep on their laps right now? The thought filled him with jealousy, a possessiveness he knew he wasn't entitled to. They were just friends, no matter what he wished for.

"Also, I would advise you to change into something dry as well, especially if you are going to be…_comforting _the Commander for much longer," the AI added, her voice changing to the smug, mildly amused tone he was so familiar with. Five bitch points regained.

"Mmpfh," Shepard mumbled, burying her face into his chest sleepily. "I'm up, I'm up."

He reluctantly loosened his arms from around her as she sat up, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. She looked up at him, blinking in confusion for a moment before realization kicked in and she smiled. "Hey," she said, voice husky with sleep.

He let out a breath he didn't realize he'd been holding. She hadn't screamed or hit him when she woke up in his arms…and she was smiling, so that was a good sign. "Hey," he replied, returning the smile. She looked so cute, rumpled and groggy, such a sharp contrast to the turian women he'd woken up next to. Turian women were _mean_ in the morning.

In fact, Shepard was pretty much as far from a turian woman as you could get. She was so much smaller, short and slim with stubby little fingers and huge eyes. All softness and curves where there would be plating and angles, plush pink lips rather than mandibles to show expression, a crystal clear voice with no metallic undertones. She was beautiful, no question about it – he'd seen the way human males looked at her – but she was so incredibly _alien _that he used to wonder if something was wrong with him for finding her attractive.

He didn't think so. He didn't have a fetish for humans, or for any alien species really. It was just her – and it took some time for him to develop even that. He'd immediately been attracted to her personality, and as they spent more time together the looks just kind of followed suit. And now, looking at the way her messy, damp hair framed her face, how her smile balanced out those big eyes, how her light skin contrasted with her dark features…he wondered how he could have ever found her anything less than breathtaking.

"How long was I out?" she said with a yawn.

"I don't know, maybe 20 minutes? EDI said you need something to drink and some dry clothes."

"I know, I heard her. She's right, I'm thirsty as hell," she said, climbing to her feet. He got up too, stretching muscles that were sore from sitting on the floor so long. The silence grew awkward as they stood there, neither one exactly sure what to say after…_that_.

"Umm…well, I'm going to go get changed, so…" Shepard began, shifting her weight from one foot to the other – a sign of nervousness.

"Oh, yeah, I uh…probably should too," he said, looking down at his own damp civvies. She smiled apologetically, and he went to leave. He was almost to her front door when he heard her call his name.

"Garrus?"

He turned back to look at her, leaning against the bathroom door frame. "Yes, Shepard?"

"Will you come back?" Her eyebrows were furrowed slightly, and she chewed on her bottom lip as she waited for his response. She looked mildly distressed, like the idea of him not coming back was distasteful. He couldn't help the slow grin that spread across his face at that.

"Yeah, I'll come back."

* * *

Shepard sat on her bed, absently picking at her cuticles. It was an awful habit, and she hated that she did it, but whatever. She was feeling guilty, and the sharp little pains in her fingertips helped to distract her from it. She shouldn't have asked Garrus to come up. She didn't want to be alone tonight, after everything she'd been through…but he'd already done so much for her, it seemed absurdly selfish to ask him to do more. He'd even valiantly braved a turian's worst nemesis – cold water – for her. She smiled at the thought, tucking further into the blankets surrounding her.

She was finally starting to warm up, thanks to a mound of blankets and some dry clothes. She'd picked out pajama bottoms and an oversized t-shirt, forgoing the usual cami she slept in. Garrus rarely saw her in anything besides armor and the overly modest civilian clothes Cerberus provided – apparently Miranda was the only one allowed to dress like a female on this ship – so she wasn't quite sure how he'd react to seeing her in a thin, form-fitting top like that. She could just imagine him, mandibles twitching in distress, unsure if he should be complimenting her or covering his eyes. She couldn't help the giggle that escaped at the mental picture. He got embarrassed so easily sometimes, was so adorably awkward when he was unsure of himself…it was part of the reason she lov—

Whoa, back up. Did that thought really just happen? Well, it only made sense…he was her best friend, her most trusted ally, her go-to guy for everything. Of course she…you know, loved him. For that.

But _loved_ him? No, that was ridiculous. She couldn't love him when her heart was still raw and bleeding over Kaidan. Besides, he was like…like a brother. Like a big, awesome, turian brother that would watch her back and keep her safe, but that was it. She couldn't possibly _love_ love him. Right?

The knock at the door startled her. "Come in," she called, voice filled with uncertainty.

Garrus stepped in, carrying something she couldn't see on a tray. "I figured you'd be hungry," he said, setting the tray down in front of her. Water, apple slices, cheese and crackers. Her favorite snack. She stared at the food, then at him, eyes wide.

_Oh shit._


	7. Questions

"Can I ask you something?" Garrus said, looking up from his snack. The small bowl of dextro food he'd brought up with him didn't look half as bad as it usually did – this time it was little yellow balls that crunched when he chewed them.

"Sure," Shepard replied, nibbling on her last cracker. She'd scarfed down everything in record time – she hadn't realized how hungry she was until she started eating. He'd sat at the foot of the bed, facing her, and they shared the meal in companionable silence until now.

She'd been startled by her sudden...realization, epiphany, whatever it was, but she was trying not to be awkward or weird about it. She needed time to think things through and figure out what the hell was going on, and she was far too tired and emotionally drained to do that tonight. If she still felt this way in the morning…well, she'd deal with it then.

"What is the significance of painting your toes?" he asked, earnest curiosity on his face.

She couldn't help but laugh. Out of all the questions she'd been expecting – are you okay, do you need anything, why were you sitting in a cold shower – an inquiry into her toenail polish was not among them.

"Well…there is none really. It's not symbolic or anything, I just like it." She paused in thought, glancing down at her bare feet. She painted her toenails at least once a week – they were purple today. "I guess it keeps me in touch with my feminine side, reminds me that there's a woman under the soldier."

"You don't feel feminine?" he pressed on. It seemed like a stupid thing to talk about, but he seemed genuinely interested so she obliged him.

"No, not really. I spend all my time as Commander Shepard, soldier extraordinaire, vanquishing evil and defending the innocent," she said playfully, but there was a hint of discontent in her voice as she continued, "The job doesn't leave a lot of room for softness. Hell, even _you_ call me Shepard all the time."

She shrugged, the corner of her mouth twitching in irritation. She didn't mind everyone calling her Shepard, she _was_ a soldier after all – but sometimes she just ached for something more. To be known as more than just Shepard, the hero, the soldier, the spectre. Sometimes she wanted to be Alayna, the woman.

Ashley had understood – they'd often made a date for those kinds of things, pedicures and shopping and checking out guys when they stopped by the Citadel and larger colonies. Ash had bought her a dress once – a gorgeous black cocktail dress that hugged her in all the right places. "Every woman needs a little black dress, even badass spectres," she'd said with a grin. They had made plans to go out in their little black dresses once Saren was defeated, and show the world just how damn good Alliance soldiers could look when they cleaned up a bit. The dress was still hanging in her apartment closet, tags attached.

God, she missed her.

"Would you prefer I called you something else?" Garrus asked, pulling her out of her thoughts.

"No, it's…" she began automatically, then cut herself off. "Actually, yeah, I think I would like that. When we're not on a mission, or with the crew, or fighting for our lives…when it's just the two of us, maybe we can just be Garrus and Alayna?"

"I think I can do that…Alayna," he said slowly, mandibles twitching into a smile.

It was ridiculous, but just hearing him say her name for the first time sent a thrill up her spine. No one but Ash had called her that since she was a teenager, not even Kaidan. She didn't realize how much she'd missed it until now. The way the rumbling undercurrent of his voice caught the word just made it sound so…intimate, and she couldn't help the blush that spread across her cheeks.

She kind of liked it.

* * *

"What do you want to do when this is all over?" Shepard asked, rolling on her side to look at him. They'd been playing this game for a while now, asking questions back and forth. Mostly silly trivial things – favorite color, worst movie ever, most embarrassing moment – stuff like that. After a while she got tired of the long-distance conversation from opposite sides of the bed, and had pulled the blankets back in invitation. It was awkward at first, laying next to her in bed, but she didn't seem to mind so eventually he began to relax. Once the nervousness wore off it was actually pretty comfortable, and the steady stream of conversation kept him thinking about things other than how close she was.

"Hmm…long term, I don't know. C-Sec, the Spectres, Omega…I don't want any of it anymore. I guess I'll just have to stick around with you on whatever impossible mission you wind up on next," he said, staring at the ceiling above him. He laughed, then turned his head to look at her as he added, "Cause someone has to be there to pick up your slack."

She let her jaw drop with mock outrage, nailing him with a pillow before he could move out of the way.

"Oh come on, if I wasn't there to pick off snipers you'd have eaten a bullet a long time ago. I saw you on Omega; even a rookie sniper would have caught you in your pretty little head," he said with a smirk, pressing a talon to her forehead for emphasis.

Her eyebrows raised, a slow smile spreading across her face. "You knew it was me on Omega?"

"Of course I knew it was you. Why else would I have switched to concussion rounds?"

"I thought the great Archangel just sucked at sniping," she teased back. "I was starting to regret coming for you when my shields were barely grazed by the end of the bridge."

"Oh, I'm sure your shields were more than grazed when you slammed into that wall," he said, bursting with laughter at the memory.

Her jaw dropped for real this time. "I KNEW I heard a turian laughing! You're such a cocky bastard, Vakarian," she muttered, her smile betraying her tone.

"Well when you're as good as I am, it's hard not to be."

"Uh huh. I'll give it to you…you'd have to be a pretty decent shot to be able to hit _me_," she allowed grudgingly.

"Twice."

Another pillow found his face. "Alright, alright…truce?" he offered, mandibles spread wide in a grin.

"For now." She seemed to think about something for a moment, then fired off another question. "Okay, what about in the short term? What's the _first_ thing you want to do after this?"

"It was my turn," Garrus mumbled, but thought about it anyway. "I guess I'd like to go home and see my sisters. It's been a long time."

It had been two years since he'd seen Podina and Kalona. He'd gone back shortly after Shepard died, before he went to Omega. The girls were happy to see him, they always were, but his father…well, not so much. The visit had been cut short because of it, and he hadn't been back since.

Garrus and his father argued constantly, every chance they could get. Vidmails, emails…those few awful years when they'd both worked at C-Sec, before his mom died and dad retired to take care of the kids. Visits home were always the worst though. There was something about being face to face, in the privacy of their own home, that made them both really let loose.

His father tore into him about running around with a spectre, a _human_ spectre at that. About contributing to galactic lawlessness, tarnishing the Vakarian name, embarrassing the turian species...the list goes on. It was a long fight, but still nothing exceptional, until the end.

_The Spectre got what she deserved. Good riddance I say._

That's when Garrus hit him. And that's when his father banished him from his family's estate.

It didn't matter really. Podina recently moved into her own apartment and he could see them there…but it still stung. Family was important in turian culture, family and honor – and he'd lost both that day in his father's eyes. After so many years of trying to appease him, of trying to make him proud despite the constant bickering…it hurt to be cast aside like that.

Still, if he could do it all again, he'd probably do the same thing.

"Your family is on Palaven, right?" Shepard asked. He nodded. "Could I go with you?"

He stared at her for a minute, to see if she was joking. She looked pretty serious. Seeming to sense his hesitation, she explained. "I'm just kind of curious. I've never been there, and I heard it's pretty nice. Besides, it would be fun to see where my favorite turian grew up," she said lightly.

He could just imagine his father's face if he brought her home, even just platonically. He'd probably get disowned.

"Um…I don't…" he began, not sure how to turn her down. It was bullshit – he _wanted _to bring her home, wanted to let her into that part of his life. Kalona had been so excited when she'd seen him on the extranet after they'd defeated Saren. She didn't have any of the stupid prejudices that were so common among his people – she'd be thrilled to get to meet Shepard in person.

"You don't want me to. It's okay," Shepard interrupted. She shrugged it off, but her voice betrayed her disappointment.

"No, I _do _want you to. It's just, Palaven isn't the most human-friendly world…there's still a lot of racism and tension left over from the war. I guess it would be the same as if I went to Earth," he tried to explain.

"I don't know. I've never been to Earth either."

"Well…then that's what we'll do. You protect me from the anti-turian mobs on Earth, and I'll protect you from the anti-human mobs on Palaven. It'll be one hell of an exciting vacation," he said, trying to wipe the disappointment from her face. He wasn't going to let worries about what his father thought run his life anymore. If Shepard wanted to see Palaven, he'd take her to Palaven. "My sister would love to meet you," he added with a smile.

It worked – she perked up immediately at that. "Which one?"

"Both, maybe. Kalona definitely. When I last went to visit she made me play the part of myself, while she took the role of 'Commander Shepard, Hero of the Citadel War'. Together we wiped out an army of geth holograms."

Shepard laughed, a hint of embarrassment staining her cheeks. "She sounds cute."

"She is. Just turned eleven last week," he said proudly.

"Tell her happy birthday from me," she said with a smile, then yawned hugely. It had to be getting late…they'd been talking for a long time.

"You can tell her yourself next time I send a vidmail. Okay, one more question and then the human needs her beauty sleep." She smirked at that but didn't protest, so he continued. "This one has been bugging me all night. Why is your room so clean?"

"The fish died."

"What?"

"My fish all died. I guess I forgot to feed them. Anyway, I told EDI to have someone clean it up because I was too irritated to do it myself. She took me very literally and to the extreme, as she is known to do."

"Actually, Commander, your request was to 'clean this shit up'. You did not specify what exactly you wished to be cleaned, and by the state of your quarters at the time, I found it safe to assume you meant _everything_," the AI chimed in, her disembodied voice dripping with disdain.

Garrus went stiff, feeling very uncomfortable at the reminder that they were not alone. They would never be alone on this ship. He was suddenly acutely aware of the fact that they were lying in bed together, and wondered who was watching them right now.

"Of course you did," Shepard replied, the annoyance in her voice evident. Apparently she didn't enjoy the constant surveillance either. "I'm going to sleep now EDI, so can you please turn the lights down to 3% power and not speak again until I wake up? Thanks."

Shepard looked at Garrus and sighed, scooting closer to him until they were almost touching. He could feel her presence, the heat radiating off of her. She leaned in close to his ear and whispered, too softly for any of the bugs to pick up, "Don't let them get to you. Thanks for everything tonight, Garrus."

Before he could register what was happening, she pressed her lips softly against his cheek. "Goodnight," she said, her mouth still so close he could feel her warm breath on his skin. Then she rolled onto her stomach, buried her face into a pillow, and promptly fell asleep.

It had only been a split second, just a mere brush of her lips, but the spot where she'd touched him burned and tingled like it was on fire. He'd never felt anything like that before, but he knew what it was. He lay there, wide-eyed, a slow grin spreading across his face as it dawned on him.

She'd kissed him. He didn't know what that meant – to her, for them...but he didn't really care. _She'd kissed him.  
_


	8. Better

Author's Note: I just wanted to say thank you again for all the awesome reviews. You guys rock.

* * *

Garrus woke up alone. It took him a second of looking around, half-awake, before he remembered where he was – and once he did he felt like a moron. He hadn't meant to fall asleep here. What if he rolled on top or her, or kicked her or something in the middle of the night – it would explain why she was awake before him. Fleeing her own room due to the big ass turian taking up her whole bed.

"Idiot," he mumbled, grabbing a sock that had fallen off during the night and hurrying out of there.

How long had he slept anyway? Everyone was awake. And they were all staring at him as he made his way to his bunk – some in open shock, others out of the corner of their eye, most with little smirks on their faces. He couldn't really blame them…seeing a turian out of armor was rare, but one in his pajamas? That never happened. Yet here he was, fresh out of bed, padding along the deck in front of the entire crew. If turians could blush…

"Garrus!" a familiar voice called, accompanied by the distinct sound of crutches hurrying across the metal floor. Oh, great.

"Joker, don't you have a ship to be flying?"

"Meh, EDI's got it. A man has to take a piss every now and then," he said, looking Garrus up and down with a huge grin on his face. "Ah, the walk of shame. Good times. Anyway, nice going G-town, I'm impressed."

Walk of shame? G-town? What?

"Um…what do you mean?"

"Oh I see, trying to play it cool. You sly dog," he said, his grin widening if that was at all possible. "Don't worry, I got your back." He winked and turned towards the elevators, leaving a stunned and thoroughly confused Garrus in his wake.

What the hell was that all about? He shook his head, dismissing the entire conversation. Humans were weird sometimes, and Joker…he was one of the weirdest. Suddenly remembering that he was still in sleep clothes, in public, Garrus hurried the rest of the way to his bunk.

Okay, this was getting ridiculous. He was fully dressed, purposely choosing the heaviest armor he owned, and people were still giving him looks. Even Miranda, who liked to pretend that he didn't exist, pressed her lips into a tight, mildly amused smile when she saw him. It wasn't _that_ funny…

So he hid in the battery room. He'd been planning on finding Shepard and seeing what their next mission was, but since apparently he was now the laughingstock of the Normandy, he'd just wait for her to come to him. He had some calibrations to work on anyway, and since he took over the weapons systems no one but him and Shepard ever came in here anymore.

Settling into the familiar pattern of code and formulas in front of him, his mind started to wander back to last night. His hand absently went to his cheek, touching the spot where she'd kissed him. He could still feel it – the light pressure, the softness of her lips, the tingling it left behind. It was just a gesture of thanks, he knew that, but he still couldn't help but grin like an idiot every time he thought about it.

In fact, the entire night had been nothing short of amazing. Aside from the whole…breakdown thing. He still worried about that, if maybe he should have tried to talk with her about it, but he figured that if she wanted to talk she would have. He certainly wasn't going to force it out of her. And anyway, after she'd gotten that all out of her system, she seemed pretty…normal. Happy, like all she needed was to have a good, solid cry and let some of the pain go. He'd still keep an eye on her of course, watch for signs of lingering depression…but he was fairly sure she was going to be okay. She was strong, she'd pull through.

He just felt so much closer to her now. It was selfish of him, but having her open up to him like that, trusting him with her vulnerability…it made him feel special. And he finally got to hold her, which had been incredible. He'd learned so much about her through their little question game, and she _kissed_ him…

It was stupid, and irrational, and completely unfounded…but he felt like a teenager after his first date.

As if on cue, the door swished open behind him, and he turned to greet…

Jack. Wait, _what?_ She only left her hidey-hole in engineering to eat and kill things, so why was she here now?

Hopefully not to eat or kill things…

"Hey, turian. I have a proposition for you," she said as she leaned against the doorframe, folding her arms across her chest.

"Okay…" he replied, hesitation evident in his voice. A proposition from Jack did not sound like good news.

"Well, I don't normally go for aliens, but seeing the job you did on Shepard got me thinking I'd like to give it a whirl myself. Whaddya say?"

"Err…job? What?"

"Oh come_ on_ Vakarian, the whole crew knows about it. No sense in being coy now."

He just stared at her, blinking in confusion. Seriously, what the hell was going on today? Why was nobody making any sense at all?

"Jack, I have no idea what you're talking about."

She rolled her eyes, like she thought he was mentally handicapped. "You nailing the Commander, obviously."

His jaw dropped. She thought he'd…

It all made sense now. The looks, the whispers, Joker...him walking through the ship in his _pajamas…_

Shit.

His silence prompted Jack to continue, "I mean, she's been damn near suicidal all week, then you spend the night with her and now she's as giddy as a schoolgirl. If you can work _that_ kind of magic in the sack, then I'm all for a little abracadabra of my own."

"But I…it wasn't…there's been some kind of misunderstanding," he stumbled over his words, flustered. "I didn't sleep with the Commander."

Jack gave him an I-don't-believe-you look, and he brought his hand to his forehead in a very human gesture. "I mean, I _slept_ with her, but we didn't…I didn't…" He couldn't seem to bring himself to say it. The hardened, sarcastic turian vigilante was too embarrassed to say "have sex with Shepard". Ridiculous.

Watching his reaction, Jack seemed to reconsider. "So you're saying you _didn't_ fuck Shepard?"

"No, of course not." Was she always this blunt, or did it just seem worse now that it was about him?

"Oh. Huh. Well, I'm taking my offer off the table then – if you're not some miracle worker in bed I'm going to just stick to my own species," she said flippantly.

His brain finally caught up to what she'd been talking about – he was so worked up over the idea that people thought him and Shepard had been together that he'd completely missed her point. She had wanted _them_ to…

Ugh.

He forced himself to keep a neutral face as he nodded. She turned to leave, so thankfully the conversation seemed to be over.

Then a thought came to him. "Hey, Jack?"

She turned back, annoyance written all over her face. She glared at him, raising her eyebrows in a silent but unmistakable "What the fuck do you want?" Really, she'd be a lot more bearable if she'd drop the constant mood swings…

"Who told you that Shepard and I had…been together?"

An amused little smirk crossed her face. "Who else? Joker, of course."

Of course.

* * *

Shepard woke up this morning feeling better. Not perfect, but better. That's all you can ask for in life, right? Things will never go the way you want them to – the key is to make the best of what you have, not mope over what you've lost.

Shepard had lost a lot, but she had gained a lot too. She had a second chance at life, a state-of-the-art ship, a solid crew, and the respect of billions. Sure, some people had left her, but even more people had joined her. And she still had good friends that she knew had her back, even if some of them couldn't be here themselves – Tali, Joker, Liara, Wrex…

Garrus.

He'd still been there when she woke up, though probably not on purpose. More than likely he just happened to pass out around the same time she did. She couldn't blame him – her bed was way more comfortable than the crap bunks they were all used to.

Still, it was kind of surprising to wake up and find him there…not unpleasant, but surprising. She'd laid there for several minutes before getting up, just watching him sleep. He looked a lot younger when he was asleep, more like the Garrus she'd known before she died. Innocent. He'd grumbled in his sleep when she slipped out of bed, like he subconsciously wanted her to stay. The thought made her smile.

Shepard had thought a lot about her little "oh shit" moment last night – it had been on her mind practically all morning. Yet even with all that thinking she was still just as confused, and at the end decided she just didn't know if she loved Garrus. She cared about him a lot, adored spending time with him, could talk to him about anything. He was funny, and thoughtful, and even kind of cute – in a weird, alien sort of way. They got along wonderfully, and she could definitely see herself sticking around with him for a very long time.

But was that love, or just a really good friendship? The line was blurry, and she didn't want to choose the wrong side only to realize too late. She hadn't had a lot of experience with love, just Kaidan…and what she felt for Garrus was far different from what she felt for Kaidan.

Kaidan was like a storm she got swept up in – everything was so fast, so electric, so dizzying. It was a combination of attraction, desperation, and danger, with a heavy dash of lust for good measure. The chemistry was undeniable – sparks flew every time they were near each other. It was…perfect.

But there is no such thing as perfect. The storm moved on.

It was different with Garrus – almost completely opposite. There was no real initial attraction, no sparks, no lust. Their friendship was born from mutual respect and understanding, and as time went on she found that they actually had a lot in common, despite the obvious differences. There wasn't chemistry, there was compatibility.

It was like...a house. Garrus was like a brick house, taking a long time to build, while Kaidan was like a pre-fab – ready immediately. The pre-fab might be nicer to look at, and more convenient…but the brick had a certain charm, with a solid foundation you knew would last.

So she didn't know if she loved Garrus. What she did know was that she was open to the possibility of loving him, and in the unlikely event that he felt the same way…well then time would tell. They had time – she was not going to rush into anything because they were on a suicide mission, like she did with Kaidan. There would be no whirlwind romance, no lusty encounter hours before the final battle, no pressure…and no inevitable let down.

Not perfect…but better.

* * *

Out of all the things Cerberus had upgraded on the SR-2 – the power, the efficiency, the luxury – was it really so much trouble to install faster goddamned elevators? Garrus smashed the button, like the machine would recognize his irritability and hurry itself up. Finally he crossed his arms with a sigh, and not-so-patiently waited for the metal snail to get him to the CIC deck.

Garrus was going to strangle Joker. Actually, first he was going to find out where the hell he came up with that ridiculous rumor, and _then_ he was going to strangle him. Did he have any idea how potentially damaging that could be for her? She's working with a human-first group known for their insanity and willingness to commit horrendous acts, surrounded by agents that would snap her neck without hesitation if the Illusive Man gave the order, and he puts it out there that she's sleeping with an alien? Was he out of his damn mind?

And it goes beyond that. She's a hero to her people, a shining example of humanity's best. There isn't a human alive who doesn't know who Commander Shepard is, and respect the hell out of her. What if they all thought she was with a turian? Humanity in general hated turians almost as much as they hated batarians – it would be devastating to her reputation.

And even if those reasons didn't exist – it was still none of his fucking business.

Finally, thankfully, the elevator came to a stop. Garrus stormed out of it, sparing it a quick glare for being so offensively slow. A few people smirked when he passed, but when they saw the look on his face the humor quickly faded. Some of them visibly paled, even. He didn't know how he looked, but he knew how he felt. Pissed. Really, really pissed. And few things in the galaxy were as inherently frightening as a pissed off turian.

"Officer Vakarian, Commander Shepard wishes to speak with you in the debriefing room," Kelly informed him as he stalked past. He stopped, staring daggers at the yeoman, annoyed with her for being between him and his target. She didn't flinch away from his expression like a normal human would have; in fact, she looked kind of…concerned? He sighed, letting the anger drop, mild sympathy taking its place. One of these days her empathy was going to put her on the wrong side of the wrong person.

"Right now?" he asked in defeat.

"Yep, right now."

He sighed again, deep and heavy, and turned back the way he came. What a waste of adrenaline.

_Giddy as a schoolgirl_, Jack's words came back to him. Though that was most definitely an exaggeration, Shepard did look…better. Not perfect, but better. She'd smiled easily when he'd entered the debriefing room – a mischievous little quirk of the lips that, when accompanied by that glint in her eyes, screamed trouble. He couldn't help but smile back. She was going to be okay.

He was eager to find out what she was up to, but he had to get that stupid rumor off his chest before he could concentrate on anything else. It was seriously bugging him…for all the noble reasons of course, but he'd be lying if he said it didn't reach a little beyond that. It was kind of embarrassing to admit, even to himself, but there was a part of him that was just depressed by the reminder that something like that could never happen between them. He didn't know if humans and turians were even compatible that way, and even if they were…she would never go for it. And he wouldn't want her to – he wouldn't risk their friendship on one stupid night of blowing off steam, no matter how much the idea might appeal to him.

And it _did_ appeal to him, he realized suddenly. He'd never really thought about it before, never imagined her that way. Obviously he thought she was beautiful, and had been dying to touch her, but it was always little innocent things that he craved – running his fingers through her hair, caressing her cheek, holding her close. He'd never even let himself think about the more…primal ways of touching a woman. Not with her. She meant too much for that.

And now, thanks to that stupid asshole Joker, he couldn't seem to stop thinking about it. About what it would be like with someone so small, so soft. About those odd curves and pale skin and plush lips and what they would all feel like pressed against him…

He ripped his gaze away from where it was staring intently at her mouth, once again grateful that turians couldn't blush, and took a seat beside her at the table. She seemed to get that something was up, because her expression changed to one of concerned curiosity.

"Before we get started on the debrief, Commander, I wanted to get something cleared up…" he began, suddenly nervous enough to use her title. Her brows furrowed at that but she didn't say anything, so he took a deep breath and continued, mandibles twitching in embarrassment, "There's been a lower deck rumor circulating all day that I…uh, slept…with you. Last night."

She just blinked at him, slightly confused. "Garrus, you _did_ sleep with me last night."

"No, I mean…_slept_ with you," he clarified, wishing that the ship would open up and suck him out into space. Anything to escape this awkwardness.

Her eyebrows shot up, but her face otherwise remained blank. That was good. Blank was better than horrified, right? And then he remembered keeping his own face carefully neutral at Jack's "proposition", and grimaced slightly. Maybe blank was not so good.

"Where did the rumor come from?" she asked finally, leaning back in her chair.

"Joker."

"Of course," she sighed, but there was a hint of something else in her voice. Amusement? She leaned forward and hit the comm unit, dialing into the bridge.

"What's up, Commander?" Joker's voice poured out of the speakers.

The corner of her mouth twitched into a fraction of a smile. Garrus fought the urge to sigh aloud – she was way too lenient with Joker. She said he reminded her of her little brother. Unless her little brother was an obnoxious prick, Garrus couldn't see it, but he hoped she'd be able to direct the proper amount of outrage towards him this time.

"Lieutenant Moreau, I've regretfully been informed that you are the party responsible for the invention and dissemination of slanderous remarks regarding the personal affairs of your commanding officer," she said, voice formal, cold, and _very_ serious. That tone would have put Garrus on edge without even being directed at him…but unfortunately, the whole thing was kind of ruined by the huge grin that was spreading across her face.

Garrus rolled his eyes in exasperation, but he couldn't be too mad. If she wasn't worried about the rumor, he wouldn't be either – and besides, seeing her smile like that was almost worth the silent mocking he'd endured all day.

Joker, however, couldn't see the amusement written all over her face and immediately began to panic. "Wait, Commander, I didn't…it's not my fault… I-I was only…" he sputtered, tripping over the words in his haste to defend himself. Even Garrus couldn't help but smirk at his frantic backpedaling.

Shepard was chewing on her lip, looking like she was going to explode. Finally she couldn't hold it anymore and burst with laughter, cutting the pilot off in mid-explanation. Joker was stunned into silence. For once.

She laughed so hard there were tears in her eyes. Crying when they were sad, crying when they were happy…humans were a strange species. After several moments her hysterics began to wear off, and she calmed down enough to speak.

"Relax, Joker, I'm not mad at you," she began, and bit her lip to keep from laughing again when Joker audibly sighed with relief.

"Dick move, Commander," he muttered, but the words held no anger. Evidently he was just happy to not be in serious trouble.

"Yep, but you deserved it. Look, I'm not mad," she reiterated, "_however,_ I want you to knock that shit off. Rumors, especially untrue ones, are bad for morale and could have far-reaching consequences that aren't immediately obvious."

"Sorry, Commander." He actually sounded repentant. Garrus wondered if he really was, or was just playing to her soft side.

"No need to apologize, just don't do it again. Now, how exactly did you come up with something like that?"

"EDI told me," he replied immediately. Joker was definitely not an only child – he had that blame shifting thing down perfectly.

Shepard raised an eyebrow. "Is that so? EDI, did you tell Joker that I slept with Officer Vakarian?"

"Yes, Commander." The blue orb flicked to life on the center console, and she sounded disgruntled. She obviously didn't like being tattled on.

"And why were you discussing my private affairs with the Lieutenant?" Shepard said, voice strangely calm. Tired, almost, like she knew she was going to have to pry this story out of them.

"He asked," she put simply. You could almost hear the shrug in her voice. Passing the blame.

Now it was Joker's turn. "I did not ask! I just offhandedly mentioned that I hoped Garrus could cheer you up since no one else was having any luck, and _EDI _said that obviously he had because he was _sleeping_ with you."

It was fairly remarkable how much this resembled a familial dispute. Like something broke and Shepard was the patient mother, trying to coax the truth out, while Joker and EDI were the tattling, blame shifting kids who kept trying to dance around the subject in hopes of escaping trouble. Garrus would have found it fairly entertaining if it wasn't about his sex life. Or lack thereof, as it were.

EDI started to build her defense, but Shepard cut her off, annoyance starting to get the better of her. "You know what, I don't care. This is easy to fix. Joker, you will go to each and every person you spread this rumor to and tell them it's not true. Say you were lying, say EDI fed you false information, say the Illusive Man himself commanded you to on punishment of death, I don't care. Say whatever you want, but make this right. EDI, you will never speak another word about my personal life to a member of this crew unless I give you explicit instruction to do so, or in the event that my life is in immediate peril and such disclosure is necessary to keep me alive."

She took a deep breath, eyes flicking to Garrus. She looked at him intently for a moment, and then seemed to think of something else, a small smile coming to her lips . "Also, I want you to kill every piece of surveillance equipment in my quarters. Video, audio, infrared…if there's a gnome living under my bed I want him dead too. Got it?"

"I apologize, Commander, but you do not have the necessary security clearance to shut down surveillance aboard the ship," the AI said politely. Too politely. She must be _really_ irritated.

"EDI, let me be very clear. I don't give a shit what kind of clearance I have. If you don't shut them down, I will shut _you_ down. I'm sure my quarian friend would love the opportunity to tinker with such an advanced AI. So please, for the sake of both of us, turn off the fucking surveillance."

There was a long pause. Garrus didn't understand why EDI was hesitating – she obviously couldn't do it without the proper clearance. She would call Shepard's bluff, and Shepard _was_ bluffing…right? Looking at her, serious and utterly determined, she didn't look like she was bluffing…but then again that was kind of the point. Either way, he knew she was doing this for him. Because he was uncomfortable last night, knowing they were being watched. He fought to control the smile that was threatening to give him away.

"All surveillance in the captain's quarters has been disengaged. Please note that you will need to manually control all functions in that area using a standard omni-tool, as I will no longer have the capability to hear your requests."

"Noted. Thank you, EDI, that will be all. You too Joker."

Shepard disconnected with the bridge and punched another code into the comm unit.

"Tali here."

"Tali, could you please tap into the Normandy's security system and make sure that EDI has shut down all surveillance in my quarters? Let me know if she gives you any trouble," Shepard said, knowing EDI would hear the subtle threat in her words.

"Um…yeah, absolutely. I'll get right on it," Tali replied, slightly taken aback but most definitely excited. It was no secret that she had been itching to get inside the ship's systems since the moment she joined the crew.

Shepard shut off the comm and leaned back in her chair, obviously pleased with herself. She turned to Garrus with a satisfied smile on her face. "Better?" she asked.

"Much. Cutting off the surveillance was a nice touch," Garrus said. It was a way of saying thank you without actually saying it – he didn't want to be presumptuous and assume it was for him, though he was certain it was.

"Glad you think so, because now you're going to have to teach me how to work my lights manually," she said, grimacing at the thought.

Garrus snickered – the woman could bring an enraged krogan to their knees but couldn't work an omni-tool to save her life.

"You got it. So, back to business – what is this mission all about?"

Her eyes lit up with excitement. He couldn't help but smile back – he loved that look.

"Oh, you're going to love this..."


End file.
